I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
