im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
My liver is preforming stress tests.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
