Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
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