I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize