woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
