broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
