Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
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