im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
