Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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