Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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