Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
