just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize