I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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