I wish my penis had an off switch
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
