just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
