Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
