my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
