My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I wear drunk well.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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