so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
