I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
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