do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Come share oat with me in your robe
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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