my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
