apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
