what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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