i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
