I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Randomize
