umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
