The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Randomize
