I just saw a hot homeless man
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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