i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
