once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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