if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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