got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
