I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
