i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
