She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
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