News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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