In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Can vaginas get frostbite?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
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