Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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