Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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