You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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