since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
