i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
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