I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
