had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
