you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
