Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Randomize
