Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize