Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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