my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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