Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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