So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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