After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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