Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
You may now shotgun with the bride
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
