hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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