i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
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