I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
We had to coat check the pizza.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
