he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Randomize
